Revising a Whole Passage

This is Unit Twenty of College Composition. Unit Nineteen revised a paper's opening and closing. This unit closes the revision block by working on whole passages, the way a reviser meets them. Carry one idea through this lecture. The right revision depends on the paragraph and the passage around a sentence, so read for the point first and test every option against what the sentence must do there. Three practice drafts near the end, an argument, a report and a narrative, apply that test. By the end you will be able to read a draft as a reviser. To decide whether to add, delete, move or combine. To choose the best version, transition and conclusion. And to avoid the common traps in revision choices.

Three entries on reading a whole draft before judging any sentence, and on reading what each question asks.

The whole passage first.

CMP 0476 Reading a Draft as a Reviser

Revising someone else's draft starts with reading the whole passage once for its purpose and main point, before judging any sentence. Many revision questions concern a single sentence, but the right answer depends on the paragraph and the passage around it. Judging a sentence without its context is the commonest way to choose a smooth but wrong revision.

Purpose and main point.

CMP 0477 The Draft's Purpose and Thesis

Before answering any revision question, identify the draft's purpose and its thesis or main point. Note whether the draft informs, argues or narrates, and where its main claim appears; that tells you what every sentence should serve. If you cannot state the draft's point in a sentence, reread before choosing anything.

Questions ask about effect.

CMP 0478 Revision Questions Ask About Effect

Most revision questions ask which choice best achieves an effect: clarity, unity, coherence, emphasis, or support for the main point. Read the question's goal carefully; "best supports the claim" and "best maintains the tone" can lead to different answers in the same paragraph. An answer can be correct English and still fail the stated goal.

Four entries on the four sentence-level moves: adding, deleting, moving and combining.

Whether to add.

CMP 0479 Adding a Sentence

Deciding whether to add a sentence means asking whether the paragraph needs what it supplies. State the paragraph's point, and identify what the sentence does: evidence, explanation, an example or a link to the thesis. A claim with no support needs evidence; a well-supported one does not need another example. Check that the sentence serves this paragraph's point, not a nearby topic, and that it fits where it would go. A sentence that adds a fascinating fact about a different aspect of the subject breaks unity, however true it is.

Whether to delete.

CMP 0480 Deleting a Sentence

Deciding whether to delete a sentence means asking what the paragraph would lose without it. Read the paragraph without it, and ask whether evidence, a transition or a needed explanation is now missing. Ask whether the sentence wanders, repeats or shifts tone. Delete it if the paragraph is clearer and loses nothing it needs. Some short sentences carry the paragraph's logic, such as one that explains why the evidence matters. Delete for wandering or repetition, never for shortness alone, and check whether a later sentence refers back to it.

Where it belongs.

CMP 0481 Moving a Sentence

Deciding where a sentence belongs means finding where it continues the logic before it and prepares what follows. Note what it depends on, a term, an event or evidence named earlier, and find the first place after which that is met. A general claim usually precedes its example, and evidence precedes its explanation. Pronouns and transitions are the strongest clues: a sentence starting with however needs something to contrast with before it, and one starting with for example needs the general point it illustrates. Then reread the paragraph in its new order.

Choosing a combination.

CMP 0482 Combining Two Sentences

Choosing how to combine two sentences means testing each option in order. Rule out comma splices, fragments and misplaced modifiers. Rule out any version that changes the claim or adds a relationship, such as a cause, the original did not state. Choose the connecting word that fits: and for addition, but for contrast, because for cause, when for time. Prefer the version without filler, and put the more important idea in the main clause. The longest and most elaborate option is rarely best; a short, accurate combination usually wins.

Six entries on choosing the best version of a sentence, a paragraph opening and a conclusion, keeping the writer's meaning, knowing when no change is best, and telling errors from choices.

The best single sentence.

CMP 0483 Best Version of a Sentence

Choosing the best version of a sentence means checking for errors first and then for clarity and fit. Eliminate options with errors in grammar, usage or punctuation, and options that change the meaning. Compare the rest for clarity: active voice, concrete words, no filler. Check tone and register against the passage, and check that the sentence ends on the idea the paragraph needs. If the original survives every test, keeping it may be best. Errors are the first filter, not the last; do not stop at the first option that is merely correct.

Opening a paragraph.

CMP 0484 Best Transition Into a Paragraph

Choosing the best opening for a paragraph means finding the sentence that links the previous point to the new one. State both points and name their relationship: another reason, a contrast, a consequence or a next step. Choose the opening that names that relationship and introduces the new point. Rule out openings that only repeat the old point, jump ahead to details, or claim the wrong relationship. The tempting wrong choice often begins with a strong transition word that does not match, such as however before a paragraph that continues the same argument.

Completing the point.

CMP 0485 Best Concluding Sentence

Choosing the best concluding sentence means finding the one that completes the point without adding a new one. State the point the paragraph or passage has built. Rule out options with a new topic or new evidence, and options that repeat the topic sentence word for word. Choose the one that ties the evidence back to the point and, for a final paragraph, shows significance or recommends action, in a matching tone. Sweeping endings about all of society claim more than the passage supports; prefer the ending the evidence earns.

Improving without changing.

CMP 0486 Keeping the Writer's Meaning

A revision should improve how a passage says something without changing what it says. Turning "some students" into "all students," or a possible cause into a certain one, changes the writer's claim even if the sentence reads better. When two choices differ only in what they assert, prefer the one closest to the original claim.

Leaving the original.

CMP 0487 When No Change Is Best

Sometimes the original wording is already the best choice, and keeping it is the right revision. If the original is correct, clear and fits the context, every alternative can only change its meaning or add words. Do not assume a sentence must be wrong because a question asks about it; test it like any other option.

Two kinds of problem.

CMP 0488 Errors Versus Choices

Revision questions mix two kinds of problems: errors against the conventions of standard written English, and choices that are correct but less effective. A comma splice is an error; a wordy but correct sentence is a weaker choice. Errors are ruled out first. Do not treat every stylistic preference as an error; judge choices by clarity, purpose and audience.

Five entries: three practice drafts, an argument, a report and a narrative, then the common traps and the habits that avoid them. The opening idea is paid off at the practice drafts.

An argument revised.

CMP 0489 A Practice Draft: The Argument

A practice argument, constructed for this course, pays off the opening idea. A draft argues for free bus passes. In the paragraph about parking costs, a sentence about the garage's age is on topic but does not support the point, so it goes. Two short sentences become one combination that shows the problem. The next paragraph opens with however, but it adds another benefit rather than contrasting, so however becomes a transition that adds a reason. Each change served the argument's point, and none changed its claim. The garage sentence and the however both sound reasonable; only asking what each does for the thesis exposes them.

A report revised.

CMP 0490 A Practice Draft: The Report

A practice report, constructed for this course, describes a library's late hours. "Rising attendance proves that every student wanted later hours" claims more than the data shows, so it becomes "suggesting that many students used the later hours." "The staff was totally awesome" is slang and opinion, so it becomes a factual statement about extended shifts. A sentence reporting that the building was cold at night, and that the facilities office was notified, stays, because an objective report includes complications. In a report, overstated claims are errors of accuracy, not style; narrow each claim until the evidence shows it.

A narrative revised.

CMP 0491 A Practice Draft: The Narrative

A practice narrative, constructed for this course, tells of a first day at a food bank. The governing tense is past, so arrive becomes arrived. Two short, choppy sentences are combined to vary the rhythm. "You could see the shelves were full" shifts into second person, so it returns to first person or drops the pronoun. The events run in time order, and the final sentence states the point the story builds to. Do not combine every short sentence: "I said yes" speeds the action. Combine where the rhythm is monotonous, and keep short sentences where they create pace or emphasis.

Traps in revision choices.

CMP 0492 Common Traps in Revision Choices

A handful of traps account for most wrong revision choices. The smooth wrong transition claims the wrong relationship. The overclaim states a cause, a certainty or a universal the passage does not support. The interesting irrelevance is true and engaging but serves another point. The wordy correct version is grammatical but padded. The shifted tone or person drops into slang or into you. The needless change alters a sentence that was already best. Every trap looks acceptable at a glance; the defense is to name the purpose, state what the sentence must do, and test each option against that.

Habits that serve.

CMP 0493 Revision Habits

Good revision habits make judgments about drafts faster and more reliable, whether the draft is yours or someone else's. Read for the point first, revise from big to small, test every change against purpose and audience, and check that the meaning survives. The same habits serve both your own writing and exam questions; practice them on both.

Look at what you can now do. You can read a draft for its purpose and point before judging a sentence, and read each question for the effect it asks about. You can decide whether to add, delete, move or combine a sentence by what the paragraph needs. You can choose the best version of a sentence, the best opening for a paragraph and the best concluding sentence, keeping the writer's meaning, and recognize when no change is best. And you can revise argument, report and narrative drafts while avoiding the six common traps. That completes the revision block. Unit Twenty-One begins the sources block, with research.