Revising a Paragraph for Unity

In practice

This worked example is constructed for this course. The paragraph appears in an essay arguing that the city should plant more street trees. It reads: "Street trees lower summer temperatures in the neighborhoods where they grow. Shade from a mature tree cools the pavement beneath it, and trees release moisture that cools the surrounding air. Oak trees can live for centuries. Neighborhoods with few trees can be several degrees hotter on summer afternoons than nearby neighborhoods with many. My grandmother had a beautiful garden. These cooler streets reduce the risk of heat illness for residents who walk or wait for buses." Check each sentence against the main point, that street trees lower summer temperatures. The first sentence states that point. The second gives the reasons, shade and moisture, and supports it. The third, about how long oaks live, is true but serves a different point; delete it. The fourth gives comparative evidence and supports the point. The fifth, about a grandmother's garden, is personal and unrelated; delete it. The sixth explains why cooler streets matter and ties the evidence to residents, a good closing move. The revised paragraph keeps four sentences in a clear order: point, mechanism, evidence, significance.