An Introduction Revised

In practice

This worked example is constructed for this course. The draft introduction reads: "Since the beginning of time, people have needed water. Water is very important. There are many issues with water today. In this essay I will talk about water." The body argues that the city should replace its lead service pipes, citing test results from several neighborhoods and the cost of replacement. Revise in order. First, the opening "since the beginning of time" is a vague generality that gives no clue about the real subject; replace it with a specific hook, such as a recent test that found lead in a school's drinking fountain. Second, "Water is very important" and "There are many issues" add no information; cut them and give the background the thesis needs: how many homes in the city still have lead service lines, and what lead does to children's health. Third, "In this essay I will talk about water" announces a topic without a stance. Replace it with a thesis that matches the body: "The city should replace all remaining lead service lines within five years, because testing shows lead in neighborhood water and the long-term health costs exceed the cost of replacement." The revised introduction moves from a specific hook, through focused context, to a thesis that names the claim and the reasons the body develops, so readers know exactly what the paper will argue and why.